Deep in the womb I begin the long dark swim
across a shimmering border from here
to where I will begin again
I am a fast, black ship striking fiercely
traversing a fog-gray sea
from who I was to who I soon will be
Enveloped in dark waters I swim ceaseless
rhythms ‘round me, a star, breathing submerged
I swim with the vast currents’ pulsing sounds
Hidden inside them, I sense darker things
swelling within the shivering sea spray
A vibrant tremor, a long-stroked shudder
disturbs the currents’ beat and trembles waves
razing my skin and churning the ocean’s
gauzy light within and darkness in motion
The sea greys and glowers as swelling waves rise
my tiny arms stroke, feet flutter behind
a keening howl of wind vexing water . . .
. . . then a twisted bellow swallowing whole
spewing domed sky with four recurring bleak sounds –
“Do not . . . begin. Do not begin.”
A red beacon’s light sweeps the roiled sea-face
timeless beacon warns me, “Away! Away!”
I track the howling’s source—bearing hard right
listening through heartbeats, I hone in and hunt
this unknown unwanted unwelcome voice
calling me back to ruin in a stagnant
blank void where I remember sleeping long
A dim place where I’ll no longer return
because I swim in sweet-breathing waters
immersed – carried in ruby blood-currents
Still, the four-note chant persists, moans louder
as I dead-reckon for its long hall far
inside the swallowing storm with no stars
Asudden I see the source of the voice:
a wraith formed of vapor and salty steam
writhing and twisting above the great sea
completely aware that I swim so near
it tolls four anguished notes pressing my skull
splitting all trapped in its massive iron bell
If I enter, I will be ripped by song
torn and released back to oblivion
So, I tread circles beneath the water
listening, considering unfathomable sound
rumbling and shaking this intimate sea
I consider the darkness lately left
whose calm depths call to inanimate state
No path back to hollowness now – not ever
seizing this sound-form calling for me
“Do not begin.
Do not be”
Current flows faster coursing in my blood
Even if I wanted to go, return
winds have failed me. I am caught in the flood
a rush toward fainter sound -- a call from shore
“Re-member Re-member
You are You are”
The four-note lament and the call from shore -
the crack between two voices splits me down
center buckling my hull crushing surges
founder my bearings rhythmic beat rushes
until I recall only the blackness
my own mouth unsound a remembered cadence . . .
. . . freed from storm, backed by a following wind
my full-bellied canvas skims inner seas
crests and falls where I swim with dolphin fins
gliding closer to where I will begin
my hull rises and sinks in ceaseless blows
black void behind me and darkness ahead
and sea’s systolic pulse deep in my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
about the pressure cloaking me urging
a release – a passage out and upward
I uncinch the tightness – begin to shape
releasing an opened-gate roar pressing
against the void, opposing water’s weight
I AM
Silence counters inhaled breath under sea
A cold pause rocking no sound returning
no echo no answer no signs for me
A moment longer the lull holds in breath
Now a distant high-pitched homing beacon
radiates and searches out, re-sounding
YOU ARE
Tone arrives hypnotic - open-mouthed I
bite down hard on Sound and signal strong that
I AM HERE
Aghast! Asudden! I’m whipped, pulled and dragged
caught on a deep line - hook buried inside
my throat newly spouted - voice now a roar
“Re-member Re-member
WHO YOU ARE YOU ARE”
Watery lifting – no end I can see
Waves, wind, shadows and light blur into one
rushing water’s deep moan all that exists
Something forgotten
Re-membering undone
Only the great Sound delivering me
in one long red cadence striking on sea
The sound and now brightness swallow me whole
searing, flaming and scorching volcanic
rivers streaming into me into me
down down and deep – stars too deep for my reach
Now a wrench and a pull – sucked into air
ripped from sea face, wriggling, dangling aloft
choking-breath spasms, arched from grave to sky
flung down in wet chasm – known dark alive
They circle around me gathering, eyes stare
Others of dark waters stand in the light
I gulp and I choke on fiery air
I wince and retreat from light – Oh, such light!
I lie worn-out among them among them
and with them
and with them now of them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My skin feels wet with cold draped across fetid
gray slope, fog-immersed and falling into
frigid openness where bitter sea- fluid
cloaks my bare skin turning icy-rigid
I make quick swimming strokes with arms and legs
but there’s no water and I’m falling free
deep into my rising wail for the sea
long away and receding into memory
Water fantasies fade – flight ebbs and fails
retreating tide effervesces a trail
I ache to grow fingers and claw my way back
My breath-held waiting and sound’s foundation sinking
warm rain begins to fall washing away
the last of the sound, the last of the sea
I’m all-forgetting someone else not me
Now locked skintight in long, dimly-lit hall
palest yellow illumines smoky pall
I cannot be still and spend all my time
skittering along the walls of my mind
Sounds trapped in a grave and frightening tunnel
I see shadowy faces – outstretched hands
to catch me if I fall but their cluster
sinks me shrieking, flailing to hard cold floor
My useless arms now sprout fleshy feathers
but they hang too thin for flight and I can
barely hear song-filled sky’s whispering wings
distant fins slipping through night’s fluid rings
Bewildered, I am some thing caught between
I’m no friend to shore — no friend to sea
Only sky’s starred vault casts spangled light
and glorious voices resonate through me
but feeble wings shroud my drooping shoulders
as I doze and dream and sad-stroke the walls
my true heart is not made for weights and chains
but for endless sky -- and lush-liquid night
shadowed sails in weightless ebony flight
Even so, I wake still rooted like some
senseless plant at the mercy of watchers’
wide-peering eyes and probing hands on me
breaking the sweet stillness of my dreaming
I miss the sea wherever it might be
I am smallest and least alone adrift
Now, behind the sound a favoring north wind
promises I’ll soon be free if only
I let them tie a silver string to me
an anxious watcher at the other end
Far into my star-home the thread would stretch
woven of meticulous snowy braid
so I won’t feel it cut me like a blade
Dull yellow light seeps in my half-closed lids
I’m resigned to die at rest not sail chained
Asleep, hidden for later freedom gained
I’ll not leave until I’m free asudden
shooting from this prison hall unfurling
exquisite wings and then hurtling skyward
like the ocean’s ignited cannonball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some times I re-member I am alive
at sea again, I am a fast-black ship
catching a pure canvas-bellying breeze
foiling the contrary traitorous winds
setting sail for star-nations once again
I’m a black-hulled ship on the broad-backed sea
shunning calm passage – tacking toward eternity
crossing borderless realms with stars and sun
a single song of strong waters on a
long downwind run
Most of the time I am blown far off course
I can’t re-member my intended route
but marvelous things bubble up from dreams
Yet, my song rings faint, frail, full of doubt
The voice-shadow of “not-be” cold and near
So, silent I sink to river’s bottom
send out small roots to hold against currents
How smoothly I lie like a drowned stone
among the other ones hiding like me
In this way I make only faintest sound
lying on river bottom, small and round
while larger louder dark ships overhead
cast lengthening shadows on this river bed
Like a great seed, I lie still in the silt
sprouting roots deep and moist suckling sweet-breasted river-milk
I must grow strong straightaway where I am laid
for causes I feel yet cannot comprehend
except that I have appeared – have been made
I must grow immense now that I am here
by logic mysterious save freshening fear
entrenched vibrations assaulting my ears
I grow for no reason
