SONG TWO: DISMEMBERED

SONG TWO:
DISMEMBERED

Arriving

Sounds drop on me like stones and pound my ears

Round rocks falling with no rhythm against

my unshielded face and make me cry out 

to currents to lift me and rush far away

                        just away          leaving             somewhere else                        beyond

I can’t stop the bruising blaring cascade

I hurt deep down and I can barely move

A red-eyed rat gnaws at my frail middle

and only sleep drives the red rat away

I want to thaw out but the air swirls cold

I want to swim but cannot raise my head

                                    Looking down on a green and quiet sea

                                    Struggling to dive deep – stroking out and free

                                    Looking down to find the current flowing

                                                but too far to call the drift’s direction

                                    I bellow thunder to shake the water

                                                listening for an echo –   ripples’ reply – 

                                                some answer to my hovering cloudy mind

                                                but only green silence shimmers beneath

                                    Somehow the dead quiet brings strange relief

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gray shapes fly and flutter flashing radiance

Middle-straight, my head soaks in sweetest air

            but then a face spills dank and sour blowing

I hear rustling hums but they make no sense 

I make outcries but none seem to hear 

My fussing whirs and spits and goes nowhere

Other voices fall like dirt clods tumbling

            heavy on my head – landing hard and flat

Every sound I make, punctured, airless, stiff, black

Some times I remember I’m still flowing

                        out and away on a night-tide rhythm

I melt into water              I am all gone

                        no one                all forgotten        nowhere else        done

Small bits of me glitter in the current

                        slant and sink wide below to shaded green

Tiny shreds streaked and striped shine and drift down

                        familiar-colored swirling scraps of me 

Some times the rat in my gut falls asleep

Some thing chilled and wet touches my tired face

The sea flares up to stars’ cold distant light

It’s getting harder to remember them

I rock back and forth between wake and sleep

A blue-gray vapor folds my mist inside

            where thinking recedes to deep water gone

I am tired of trying to find the sea

Swimming stops and with it small bits of me

            that I knew once but can no longer hold

I grow curious about this stony place

            and since I can no longer find the shore

I explore the mirror that is water

            the eyes that look at me and do not blink

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I start to notice buzzing in my head

            a high single note – a singularity

This humming infinitely dense

a great matter of wisdom not my own

The humming tells me what is safe and not

The drone has no words but lends me judgment

When things are held out toward me, the tone tells

            me when to take and when to push away

When I am tired, the hum tells me to sleep

When my middle hurts, the buzz tells me, eat.

I want to meet the one who makes this sound

We should be together – we are alike

But no matter how quick I turn I can

never see who is humming close to me

and so I just listen and hope to see

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, one who calls himself my father

takes me to a wide place to pull up fish

First, he lays me face up on the water

swirling me like the currents used to do

Who is this one who holds back the river?

All the sounds in my mouth cannot name this

Now I crouch on the edge peering into

water copper-black running very fast

I try to see below but I cannot

I remember flashes of older water

Now I am free – swimming fast, stroking down 

back to the old  place I just dis-membered

where the singing ghost split me in two and

the specter urged me closer to the edge

the sound growing louder as I approach

It’s drowning out all the other voices

I squat closer to the brink and listen

to the water’s many singing voices

Then . . .

One second I am breathing, looking down

The next tick I am sliding, losing breath

dark water rushes - pulls me down into

deeper water streaming – choking - no-breath 

turning - grasping – drowning - nothing holding

slow motion blurred shapes under darker gold

and then the tree reaches out and grabs me

pulling me down                        deeper into water

tangled in branches too deep for him to reach

Deep in the water               Deep in the darkness

Alive                 Not breathing                   I can see the stars

Tree opens its mouth and whispers my name

I relax and listen, floating again

as tree tells about the long run to sea

the winds and the storms                  the long sail to be

My black hull cuts deep in the broad-backed sea

Moonlight shimmers, scatters white-crested waves

my body wave-washed and wind at my back,

my breath all exhaled sailing on in black

borderless places -- the star lands of home

forgetting the tether,smallness, and stones

re-membering great winds and great wild unknown

The Darkness                  The Sounding                   long downwind run

Asudden gasping I’m ripped pulled and dragged

out of the sea’s love            and wriggling in air

choking breath spasms and arching toward sky

thrown down yet again               dark, small, but alive

He gathers me up, lays me down, blows air

into me choking on water and air

I thrash and cry as           clear sound fades away

lying broken with him     with him, not of him

pulling away from his warm shore, I lie

rooted, immobile – stone stopped by his hands

gone the fair sea winds –   I don’t understand 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        I stand outside the white house where I’m fed

                                    standing in yellow grass flat to the sky

                                    sparks in my wet hair from storm just passed by

                        Now raindrops stop and thunder rolls away

                        Leaves slip droplets disturbing brown puddles

                                    mirror my rippling face and the white clouds

                        Like a small lake, the puddles have shores and

water to sail my twig-wood boat while I

                                    make myself small on its long narrow deck 

                        A leaf drops alongside my small brown ship

                                    carrying a blue dragonfly with clear 

rainbow wings sailing just the same as me

                        Side by side we travel, blue dragon and me

                        Sweet air and wide water under our wings 

I can see a map of a distant place

                                    great magic across the blue dragon’s sea

                        This indigo body holds some secrets

If I touch, the wings will carry me there

                        I reach out, caress him ever so light

                        Vibration of wings and quickly takes flight

                        So, I leave the puddle, twig boat aground

                        I look up and see blue dragon flying

                                    into purple sundown skies where I’m not

                        But later at night in dreams I will soar

                                    far away from this grounded place where tongues

                                    of winged dragons unspoken, not known

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A crow is cawing shrilly overhead 

                                    saying, “Come! Hurry up and follow me!”

                        Her black and rainbow wings flash so fast that

soon she has flown far ahead – when I run 

fast behind and see her settle onto

                                    an apple tree branch and fluff her feathers

                                    She pities poor me, wingless, on the ground.

                        Her black wings bring her where she wants to go

                        So much better than standing here below

                        I walk round the tree thinking how to rise

                                    but the branches are high and no matter 

how I jump and try, the coarse tree bark scrapes 

my tender skin and how to be with her 

I can’t begin to think I cannot fly

                                    so, I slump down on the grass, and she blinks.

                        As I sit still and watch her, I open

and see I am with her, though my body 

can’t be - I’m flying now so easily

                                    Inside my crow’s dark skin, I feel dragon’s 

blue wings spread out dazzling, gossamer thin

                        I feel letters and words trickling through my 

veins, close as blood, hard as stones, raising me

                                    voiceless, welcoming and restful, listening  to

these new sounds sliding inside a still pool

                        I sit straight trying hard to understand 

ants swarming on a rough-white page, not a

stripe out of place, not a pointless stroke made

                        The swirls and tracks too quiet make me want 

to shout, “Go away!  Let me out!” I bear

                                    emptiness, exhaustion, left far behind

                                    Sitting up straight when I want to run

                        No one knows the sonorous rhymes tickling 

my mind – they recite – I listen inside

                        Someone I know tells me to go away

                        I’m sad. I’m tired. But I don’t want to sleep

                        Maybe I’ll walk out and stay with that tree

                                    sitting slight under leaves maybe I’ll see 

enough to help me forget where I’m now

                                    but I’m beginning to think there’s no way 

out so I’ll turn small and round out of the way 

on river bottom, grand seed that I was

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walk alone and listen to stories

            very good stories that I tell myself

            about a charming someone who’s coming soon 

All I must do is wait, watch, and be here

            when over that hill the one will appear

This lovely story a certain secret

            I never told -never - not even once

            because then all of it would disappear

Alone again, staring in that mirror

When the one I wait for finally comes

We’ll wear black with gold threads, ride fast horses

            Long hair, manes, and tails streaming behind

We won’t have to speak. We’ll know in our minds

the love we’ll hide in a ruby red case

I must not stop watching, but I now decide

I’ll take the dream, put it in a silver 

bowl and make a fire with black clouds of smoke

so the one who’s coming can find the way

For now, I walk listening to the story

            the sun is going down - I can barely 

see the hill and no one is riding fast

toward me, the one who is waiting, only

black tree limbs painted on the darkening sky

and me, telling the story, asking why

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dipping a tender toe into the stars

one delicate, pale naked toe plunges

with no fear, breaking the surface tension

sliding into the shimmering blue pool

Standing on one leg, naked in the chill 

I feel the edge of the stone under foot

Far out on the white moon-water, a mass

surges below the surface seeing warm

toe bravely breaking the water’s tightness

The vibration of the leviathan

Submerged toe in darkness, naked, waiting

Ripples glide out shattering the ashen moon 

The largest wave heaves toward the moonlit shore

It is coming for me huge with purpose

I plunge the foot - a beacon for this One

I hear a bellow resounding toward me 

I inhale the mist driven before it

I feel the light before I hear the sound

I hold steady, resolved, breathing

                                    Waiting